Quotes & Summary in White – My thoughts in Red
“Wounded hearts can experience powerful emotions.”
It is so true… when we have been wounded by someone, we
experience powerful emotions… the pain is intensified… so is the anger. Our emotions are on overdrive… not just with
the person that wounded us but with everyone around us. The more painful the experience the more
powerful emotions we experience… it can be an emotional rollercoaster.
Two groups of people she described “Hatred and bitterness are
destroying their lives and relationships—and they know it. But for whatever reason they’ve never been
willing or felt able, to release that bitterness and forgive their offender.”
& “Those who don’t think of themselves as bitter, unforgiving people. They
aren’t hammering nails into trees wishing people dead- but if they would let
the Spirit of God open them up, they would discover seeds of bitterness that
have taken root in their hearts.”
I think I have been the second type of person. I don’t think I realize that I had let
bitterness creep back into my life. I was not letting hatred and bitterness
overflow to the boiling point… I wasn’t hammering nails into a tree wishing the
person would die. I didn’t think of myself
as a bitter, unforgiving person. Usually,
I am quick to forgive people, so it is not in my nature… but still the seeds of
bitterness have taken root. I need to
pull them out and forgive once again.
“In our therapeutic culture, it’s widely acceptable to acknowledge
that we’ve been ‘hurt’ or ‘wounded’—words that focus on the wrong that has been
done to us. But it’s a lot harder to
admit that we’ve let that hurt escalate into unforgiveness or bitterness—which
puts responsibility on our shoulders.”
Lord, I recognize that the bitterness is my responsibility…
it is my sin and no one else’s. Forgive me.
Lord, help me not to remain trapped in the ‘hurt’ that has happened to
me… not to focus on what has been done that I have no control over. Help me not to allow the ‘hurt’ to be an
excuse to allow bitterness to grow in my own life. I want to focus on You and the things I do
have control over… turning this area of my life over to You for complete
healing and walking in obedience to You.
“Our society has become so riddled with rancor and bitterness we
almost consider it a normal response to life… and those who don’t let their
bitterness lead them into litigation or erupt into violent crimes and
addictions are often saddled with more subtle forms of expression: silent
distrust, insecurity, illogical fears, sullen indifference, compulsive
agitation, and restlessness.”
Oh, how this rings true in my own life… I may not have
allowed rancor and bitterness to erupt into litigation, violent crimes and addictions…
in fact… instead we just walked away. We
were accused of abandonment but saw no other option. We can’t force someone to love us… we can’t
force someone to see a different reality when they are so convinced by what
they believe to be true. So, after a
year of trying to make things work out… we walked away. My life was filled with the subtle forms of
bitterness at different times… silent distrust, insecurity, illogical fears,
sullen indifference, compulsive agitation, and restlessness… I went through all
the steps of loss… even though it wasn’t a physical death… it was a loss of an
important relationship none the less. I
am still fighting some of these emotions… and honestly even if I forgive, I
don’t know if I will be able to trust them again… too many lies… too many
unfounded accusations… too many threats.
Only time and God will tell… I still believe God can do a miracle in the
situation, but I have come to a place that I am no longer hoping for something
that is not possible… for things to go back to the way they were before… we
have all changed. I am no longer the
same person; they are no longer the same… we have all changed in one way or another…
even if God-willing there was reconciliation, the relationship would be
different.
“How can you know if hurt has turned to bitterness in your life? See if you relate to any of these
statements: I often replay in my mind
the incident(s) that hurt me. When I
think of a particular person or situation, I still feel angry. I try hard not to think about the person,
event, or circumstance that caused me so much pain. I have a subtle, secret desire to see this
person pay for what he or she did to me.
Deep in my heart, I wouldn’t mind if something bad happened to the
person(s) who hurt me. I often find
myself telling others how this person has hurt me. A lot of my conversations revolve around this
situation. Whenever his or her name
comes up, I am more likely to say something negative than something positive
about him or her. These kinds of
thoughts reveal pockets of resentment and unforgiveness in our hearts. They allow us to see something in ourselves
we never thought we’d become.”
Wow, this section was very convicting and one of the
reasons I realized that I still had not forgiven and allowed bitterness to grow
back into my life… although it does not happen as often, I still play back the
incidents in my mind… I still share (with a select few) how I have been hurt by
the people… thankfully, I don’t wish that something bad would happen to them
and I have been praying for them more often.
I think at one point I craved reconciliation so badly with them… partly
because I hate conflict… partly because I crave the approval of ‘mankind’…
partly because I have an image in mind of what I wish life had turned out to
look like… but I am coming to a place where I am accepting the situation for
what it is. Trusting that God will use
it to continue to mold me into His image and I am okay if reconciliation
doesn’t occur… because I don’t ever want to be hurt as badly as I was by them
again. Sadly, the one I wanted reconciliation
with the most… has zero desire for it… and I have no desire to be in relationship
with someone who is going to spew hateful, threatening things... So, I will continue to pray… I will forgive…
and I will work on not allowing bitterness and resentment destroy me.
“My intention is not to load you down with guilt or insert additional
blame into a situation that’s already charged with hurt and emotion. But if we want to be free, we first have to
acknowledge the depths that unforgiveness has reached into our lives; we have
to recognize the damage it’s caused- and can cause. And we have to deal with the fact that our
unforgiveness is a sin, just as the original sin was. No worse a sin, but certainly no less of
one.”
“Most of us know from experience that when sin of any kind is
given a chance to take up residence in our hearts, it doesn’t stay confined to
its own little corner. If not confessed
and repented of, sooner or later it will affect our entire person- our physical
and emotional well-being, our demeanor, our whole outlook. And unforgiveness is no different. When we fail to deal with hurts God’s way,
when we harbor resentment in our hearts, that bitterness—like an infection—will
fester and work its way into our system, until ultimately we start viewing
everything through the eyes of hurt—everything others do, everything that
happens to us.”
Lord, I recognize that my unforgiveness is a sin… and
that it has had consequences in my life…. I wish that sin would stay in its own
little area… but it doesn’t. I know that
it has affected other relationships… it has affected my ability to trust other
people… it has affected my ability to have joy… it has been a barrier in my
walk with the Lord. Lord, forgive me and
help me to overcome to work on these areas.
Help me to not judge others because of past hurts…
Ephesians 4:31 states, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and
clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”
“Bitterness – ‘that angry and resentful state of mind that
can develop when we undergo troubles.’
Wrath and anger – intensifying degrees of resentment,
hostility, and rage that, given the right amount of prodding or pressure, can
quickly overflow its banks like a flash flood in a summer storm.
Clamor and slander (or evil speaking) – outbursts of
anger out of control; using words to retaliate, to demean, to paint others in a
negative light, to wish for them an ill reputation.
Malice – a deliberate desire to inflict pain, a
premeditated strike at the weak spot in our offender, acting out the bitter
thoughts and feelings of our hearts.”
Have any of these found a dwelling place in the soil of your
heart?
While not all of these have found a dwelling place in my
heart… I have recognized some of them come out at various times… it was good to
see them defined… it is harder to deny their existence when it is stated as “to
paint others in a negative light”. This
is an area I definitely need to work on…
I need to learn to share my story where I can save the reputation of the
other person while at the same time let others know what God has done in my
life through difficult circumstances.
“Bitterness in our hearts will inevitably find its way into our
tone of voice. See, for example, how
closely ‘bitterness’ and ‘cursing’ appear together. Romans 3:14 – ‘Their mouth is full of curses
and bitterness.’ Those two ideas of bitterness and harshness are tightly
linked, even in marriage. Colossians
3:19 – ‘Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.’ So why do we do it? Why do we allow these unwanted intruders-
bitterness, anger, malice, harshness, evil speaking – to move in with us and
take up residence, to be kept like harmful poison in our kitchen cabinets?”
“Just think of it:
Bitterness grieves the Spirit of God.
Such a spirit makes us hard and cold and difficult to live with.
It turns us into people who are negative and critical.
It makes us resistant to God’s plan and His love for us.
Eventually it destroys us, the way acid eats through the container
in which it’s held.”
The tone of voice… this is an area that so often we are
not aware of… I know Matthew doesn’t recognize when he uses a tone of voice
that I find harsh and I am not aware of it when I am using one that is hurtful
to him. It is an area in our marriage that we are constantly working on. We don’t want to hurt the other person… but I
never realized that my bitterness and hurt over other situations can have a toll
in how I am treating Matthew and vice versa.
Lord, I do not want to grieve the Holy Spirit in my
life. I want Him to be able to flow freely… fill me with joy and peace… teach
me areas in my life that I need to turn from so I can be pleasing to You. Lord, I don’t want to be cold and difficult
to live with. If I have allowed bitterness
or unforgiveness to affect me in this way, please forgive me and help me to change
so I can be one that brings joy and love into Matthew’s life… someone that He
sees the love of Christ reflected in. Lord,
I don’t want to be negative and critical.
I want those who I talk to walk away from our conversation feeling
encouraged and refreshed. Forgive me if
I have had a critical Spirit. Please,
remove it from me and help me to have a joyful spirit. Lord, I don’t want to be resistant to Your
plan and Your love. Please remove any
barrier that is keeping me from fully obeying You and not allowing me to
experience Your love. Lord, I don’t want
bitterness to destroy me… please help me to forgive!
Matthew 18:21-35
Then Peter came up and said to him,
“Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive
him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to
him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
23 “Therefore
the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts
with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one
was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And
since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife
and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So
the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and
I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for
him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the
debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he
found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and
seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So
his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and
I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him
in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his
fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and
they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then
his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all
that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And
should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on
you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to
the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So
also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your
brother from your heart.”
“There are some universal consequences that result from refusing
to forgive, no matter how big or small the offense, no matter how tangled or
complex the issue. Isn’t that what you
do? Every time I refuse to forgive, anytime I hold a grudge, I am like the man
who grabbed his debtor by the throat, demanding, ‘pay back what you owe me’.
‘Jailers.’ Isn’t that telling in light
of the last chapter, when we think of the prison we find ourselves in by virtue
of our unforgiveness? The man who had
his debtor thrown into prison ended up in debtors’ prison himself, being tormented
in the very way he had treated his debtor.”
I have read this passage many times… I knew what it said…
I understood it… but today as I read it again, I was convicted by it. Lord, forgive me. I am the man that owed you “ten thousand talents”
… a debt I could never repay even if I tried for a lifetime. I could never earn my way to heaven… I could
never cover over my sins… but still you forgave me… you died on the cross for
me and said, “I forgive You! Your debt
is forgiven.” Forgive me for then going
and holding others accountable for their “sins” against me… sins that are so
miniscule… yes, their sins hurt me, but they are nothing in comparison so all
that you have forgiven me (EVERY SIN I COMMIT AGAINST YOU). Yes, they may not have asked for my
forgiveness… they may even think they have done nothing wrong and have justified
every action… but my response still needs to be the same. I need to forgive. I need to release them from prison. That is the only way I will find freedom
myself.
“Jesus makes the main point of this parable unmistakably clear in
verse 35.
(1) When we refuse to forgive, we set ourselves up to be turned
over to ‘tormentors’. What are some of
those tormentors? I believe that many of
the chronic mental, emotional, and physical disorders people struggle with
today are rooted in bitterness and unforgiveness. Emotions such as bitterness, rage, and
hostility are being linked with blood pressure increases, hormonal changes,
impaired immune function and memory loss… NYU school of Medicine believes that
almost all back pain is somehow rooted in bottled up emotions… repressed rage and
anxiety eventually manifest themselves as muscle spasms, nerve dysfunctions,
and other forms of pain and numbness.
Please hear me. I’m not
suggesting for a moment that every physical ache or pain is caused by
bitterness or unforgiveness. But in many
cases, I am convinced it’s true. If I
were dealing with persistent, unexplainable symptoms. I’d at least ask the Lord if there’s anything
He’s trying to get my attention about, any unforgiveness or bitterness that
might be causing unnecessary physical, emotional, or mental issues. I want to be clear—being a forgiving person
will not guarantee you a pain free life.
But I can’t help wonder how much pain we might be spared and how much
money we could save on doctors’ and therapists’ bills if we refused to let any
bitterness take root in our hearts.”
Lord, I don’t know how many of my physical ailments are caused
by my unforgiveness… but I do see how there could be a correlation between our
physical pain/ailments and our emotional turmoil due to unforgiveness and
bitterness. Please help me to work
through these various issues… whether or not it brings about physical healing into
my life.
“(2) When we refuse to forgive, we cannot experience God’s love
and forgiveness. What if God only
forgave me to the extent that I’ve been willing to forgive those who’ve sinned
against me? It’s sobering to think about.
Matthew 6:14-15,
‘For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly
Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their
trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.’ Strong
words. They challenge us to examine our
hearts to see if we have ever truly been forgiven. As John Piper has said, “If we hold fast to
an unforgiving spirit, we will not be forgiven by God. If we continue on in that way, then we will
not go to heaven, because heaven is the dwelling place of forgiven
people.’ The point is not that a
forgiven spirit causes us to merit God’s forgiveness but simply that forgiven
people forgive others, and that those who persistently refuse to forgive others
have no basis to claim to have been forgiven by God.”
“But even forgiven people sometimes struggle to
forgive. And unforgiveness always
affects our relationship with God. I
have met many believers who find it difficult to accept and experience God’s
love and forgiveness… I believe the biggest reason is their refusal to forgive
others. When we refuse to forgive,
something is blocked in our relationship with the Father. The Scripture affirms what our own experience
confirms—a clear connection between our willingness to extend forgiveness to
others, and our ability to appropriate and experience His forgiveness for our
sins. Those who hold onto bitterness,
who refuse to forgive, cannot hope to enjoy the full, sweet taste of His
compassion and mercy.”
Lord, I recognize that my walk with
you has been a struggle these last few years.
I am constantly going through dry seasons… searching for the peace,
love, joy that I once experienced. I am
convinced that my bitterness is the cause of this barrier in my walk with
you. Please remove it. I want to walk closely with You. I want to feel Your presence in my life. I want to see You at work in my life and
through me. I want to know You in a
deeper and more intimate way. I lift up
the areas in which I have been struggling to forgive and ask that Your Holy
Spirit do the miraculous in me. I am
choosing to forgive. Help me to walk in
obedience. Open my eyes to any areas
where unforgiveness is lingering.
“(3) When we refuse to forgive others, we give Satan an
advantage in our lives. There was
apparently someone among them whose sin had been exposed, someone who ‘caused
pain’ to their fellowship (2 Cor. 2:5) but had presumably repented and sought
restoration. Paul urged the Corinthians
to ‘forgive and comfort’ their repentant brother (vs 7), so that no advantage
would be take of us by Satan (vs 10-11).
The Devil always wins when we fail to forgive. When we refuse to forgive, he is given an
opportunity to take advantage of us—to win arguments in our minds, to have his
way in our relationships, and to desensitize our hearts to the Spirits
voice. That’s why the Scripture exhorts
us to ‘Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and
give no opportunity to the devil.’ (Ephesians 4:26-27) We may at times have
righteous anger against sin. But if we
let that anger turn to bitterness or fester in our hearts, we provide a
beachhead for Satan’s activity in our lives.
When we shut the door on forgiveness, we open it for Satan to have an
inroad into our life, giving him just the weapon he needs to get an advantage
over us.”
Lord, remove the foothold Satan has
had in my life. I don’t want him to have
any power over me. I don’t want him to
win any arguments in my mind… I want my mind to be constantly renewed by Your
Word so that I can think about things that are true, right, pure, lovely…
things that Glorify You. I don’t want
Satan to be able to affect my relationships with others or desensitize my heart
to the Spirits voice… I want gone… I want to be controlled by the Holy
Spirit. Forgive me for not doing this
sooner. I know it is not going to be
easy… we are in a battle with forces of evil… I need to constantly take my
thoughts captive and make them obedient to You.
Help me to put in the work… I know it will be worth it in the end.
“Yet even with these grim reminders, we still often find
ourselves choosing the path of unforgiveness.
And if we choose it long enough, we become something we neither intended
nor wanted. We become bitter
people—whether we’re willing to admit it or not. As is the case with any sin, the more we
practice it, the more it becomes ingrained as a normal pattern of behavior. The
more we hold on to our hurts, anger, and bitterness, the more we become slaves
to unforgiveness (Romans 6:16). And the
longer we stay in that condition, the more difficult it becomes for those
chains to be broken. Bitterness grows in
us when we fail to see the trouble and pain in our lives from God’s point of
view, and when our expectations of what life should be diverge from the reality
of what life really is. The fact is,
life in a sinful, fallen world is not easy.
Lord, I don’t want unforgiveness and
bitterness to be “normal” anymore. I am
quick to forgive with so many people why do I think it is okay to allow it to
fester in one area of my life? I don’t
want to hold onto the hurt… I know that I cannot heal my heart on my own… I
need You to heal it… I need You to take away the pain and allow me to move
on. I need you to break the chains… I
need You to open my eyes to how much bitterness has grown in my life and what I
have allowed it to do to me…. So, I can turn from it. Yes, it won’t be easy… but living in a sinful
world isn’t easy. No one promised that
life would be easy… but walking with God is worth it…!
“Hebrews 12 is a rich chapter that gives us perspective on
the hardships we face as believers. It
reminds us that God uses the experiences of our lives—even the difficult
ones—perhaps especially the difficult ones—to do something special in us: to discipline
us ‘for our good’ (v.10). God is not
implying that what has occurred in our lives is no big deal. If you have been wounded or mistreated in
some way, He is not telling you to just shake it off, get a grip, grow up, and
get on with it. God considers these
matters weighty enough to require His special care and attention. He wants to use these painful experiences for
our spiritual training and maturity.
They are part of His eternal purpose and His plan to mold and shape us
into the image of Jesus, so He can be glorified through our lives.”
While I don’t believe that every
difficult experience is discipline from God… I do believe that He can use every
difficult experience in our life for our Good… to mold us and shape us into the
image of Jesus. Lord, help me to look at
situations through Your eternal perspective… to recognize that what is
happening on earth is temporary, but I can allow it to be used for an eternal
purpose… that brings You glory. Let me
see how You are working in my life… and how You are comforting me during the
trials… whether it be through Your Word, worship music, and someone that You
bring into my life to encourage me… You are always at work if we just take the
time to see it.
“Instead of resenting the people He uses as instruments in
our discipline or responding sinfully to the problems we face, we are
challenged to: ‘Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without
which no one will see the Lord. See to
it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness”
springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.’ (Hebrews
12:14-15) When we get hurt, no matter how serious the offense or how deep the
wound, God has grace available to help us deal with the offense and forgive the
offender. We can acknowledge our need
and humbly reach out to Him for His grace to forgive and release the
offender. Or we can resist Him, fail to
receive His grace, and hold on to the hurt.”
The more I think about things… the
more I realize that when we deal with things right away it is a lot easier to
prevent roots of bitterness from growing up.
Had I dealt with some of these painful situations years ago… they would not have grown to what they are
today… they would have been a lot easier to deal with and forgive. Lord, I need You to help me to forgive and
release the offenders. I need You to
help me from being hurt again if they choose to attack again.
“A ‘root of bitterness’—it may not seem like a big
deal. In fact, given the circumstances,
it may seem perfectly understandable and justifiable. But be assured it is no small matter. Unacknowledged and unaddressed, its poison
will affect and infect you and others beyond anything you ever imagined
possible. When you are unjustly maligned
or injured by the actions of others—perhaps a member of your extended family,
or your employer, or someone you go to church with—bitterness may feel like a
birthright. It can become your safety
zone. You may feel incapable of any
other response. But it is a fall-back
position doomed to failure. Not only is
it a sin; it is senseless. The cure for
bitterness is to trust both His hand and His heart and to ‘draw near with
confidence to the throne of grace, so that you may receive mercy and find grace
to help in time of need’ (Hebrews 4:16).”
“Through this circumstance—no matter how painful or
difficult— you have both the potential and the opportunity to be made more like
Christ. (Romans 8:29, Hebrews 2:10) The
root of bitterness will infest every inch of ground if you let it. But God invites you- urges you- to reach out
and receive His grace. In so doing, your
heart will be set free from the vise of unforgiveness; you will be released to
love and serve Him and others. His grace
will flow through you to others, blessing everything you touch.”
Lord, You know my heart… You know
the pain I have endured. You know how I
have tried and been hurt again. Yet, I
am still wrong for allowing bitterness grow up in my life. For not continuing to forgive as You have
commanded in Your Word… for allowing the poison to affect all areas of my
life. Lord, I want you to mold me into
the image of Christ and bring me to the other side of this trial. I don’t want to be stuck in the middle of it
anymore. I want You to be glorified by
how You set me free… I want Your grace to flow through me into the lives of
others. Thank you for Your love… thank
you for Your forgiveness of which I am not worthy… help it flow out of me to
others.
Making it Personal Questions: (Too personal to share specifics
with everyone 😊 )
As you read this chapter, particularly the statements on p. 58,
did the Lord put his finger on any root of bitterness or unforgiveness in your
heart? If so, how has that bitterness
manifested itself (ex. the sins listed in Eph 4:31)?
Can you identify any chronic stresses or pressures in your life
(ex. physical, emotional, mental, relational, financial) that could possibly be
traced back to a bitter, unforgiving spirit?
Ask the Lord to show you if there is a connection.
Can you identify any ways that a root of bitterness (past or
present) has resulted in one or more of these consequences in your life:
Affected your ability to experience God’s love and forgiveness
Given Satan a foothold in your life
‘defiled’ others around you
What is one area of your life in which you need to receive God’s
grace so that a root of bitterness does not spring up in your heart? Will you cry out to Him for grace in that
area?
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