“I’ve come to believe that, whether they realize it or not, unforgiveness is, in fact, a very real issue for most people…. In many cases, those raised hands reveal hearts that are still wounded, still bleeding, still suffering, still hearing the words, still seeing the offenses, still having a hard time getting over what happened. In other cases, the hands represent hearts that have been anesthetized; they have become indifferent or detached, perhaps putting up walls to keep from getting hurt again. I am convinced that unforgiveness in the hearts of God’s people is not the exception—it has become the norm for most. They may have learned to live with it. They may be ‘coping’ They may mask it with laughter or bury it with busyness. But when they get honest with themselves and God, they are not free.
-
I did not realize how
much unforgiveness had been affecting me these last few years… going back through
this study I recognize that I could raise my hand as one who is still wounded,
still bleeding, still suffering, still
hearing the words (and still reading them), still seeing the offenses, still
having a hard time getting over what happened.
I am still living back in the moment… not able to get over the
past. I don’t want to live like
that. I have also put up walls… so I
don’t get hurt again. When you’ve been
hurt deeply, you will do just about anything to prevent it from happening
again. There have been times in my life
that I have tried to bury the pain with busyness, other times I buried it with justification…
I mean… I have a right to be angry for all the hurtful things that were done…
but I don’t want to live like that. I
want to be free. I want out of this
prison.
“We can’t talk about forgiveness without acknowledging the
reality of pain. If we were never hurt,
there would be no need for forgiveness.
Truly, we are a generation of wounded people. And wounded people tend to wound other
people.”
-
I think one of the
hardest parts of truly forgiving is dealing with the pain. It is so much easier to bury the pain… pretend
it does not exist. It is painful to open
the wound back up so there can be true healing. At the same time, I don’t want to live life
wounding other people because I am still wounded. Lord, forgive me for wounding other people. Open my eyes to anyone I may need to ask
forgiveness of. Lord, also help me to
recognize that I may have been wounded by other people because I wounded
them. It is crazy how situations spiral
out of control… we do things… maybe even with the best intentions… that hurt
others… and in response they hurt us back… so we lash out… and the cycle
continues.
“When I speak of hurt, what comes to you mind? You may have been forced to endure a
childhood of sexual abuse. Maybe the
abuse wasn’t as much physical as it was emotional and manipulative. Perhaps the dysfunction in your home played
itself out in ways that have complicated and convoluted nearly all your
relationships ever since, and you’ve never stopped blaming your mom or your dad
for giving you such a poor start to life.
It could be a sister or brother who’s quibbled with you over both
important and petty family matters.
Perhaps it’s a new management player in the company you work for who has
made you feel unvalued and marginalized.”
-
I know exactly what
comes to mind… I know the instances throughout my life that have hurt me the
most. It is interesting to look back and
realize that there may have been times that I was “hurt” but was able to get over
it very quickly… those are usually situations with people who do not mean as
much to us. For example, I was hurt by
the hippie couple in Argentina that was spreading lies about me… it was a very
difficult situation at the time but I was also a situation that I was able to
put behind me very quickly… why is that?
I think it is because after dealing with the situation, I no longer had
to face them on a regular basis. They
were not family members that I craved approval from… in fact, what they thought
of me had very little importance in my life.
On the other hand, when it is a family member, or close friend, that
wounds us, the pain is a lot worse and it is a lot harder to forgive and move
on… especially when the family member… the person who should have been there to
love and support you is constantly saying things to tear you down or spreading
lies about you.
-
Honestly, I am so
thankful for the family that I group up with.
I did not know how dysfunctional families could be until I got
married. My family is not perfect… but
we have always been there to love and support each other. People have told me that what we have is
rare… and now that I have had a taste of what it is like to not have a
supportive family, I praise God for the gift I have. I will be honest… I never felt accepted by my
in-laws and the more I look back on things I think it is because my husband was
always the outcast in the family. It
doesn’t matter what we did… it was always wrong… whether we were trying to
fight for Shane or when we finally let him go… it was always our fault. So many more thoughts are running through my
head but my desire is not to tear anyone down but to explain a little of the
hurt I have had to deal with… and it is nothing in comparison to watching my
husband overcome the fact that he lost his entire family. I couldn’t imagine having my entire family
turn their back on me… in May 2014 our life was shattered into tiny pieces… we
were broken down… barely able to function… and I am still fighting to put the
pieces back together again… but with God’s help one day we will be fully restored.
“It seems like you’re constantly at war, always on guard
against an onslaught of conflicting feelings.
It’s interrupted the free flow of worship and sweetness you used to
experience in your relationship with God. You miss it. You miss Him… The question is: Do those
wounds- past or present- have to define who you are, where you’re headed, and
how you get there? Is the ugly residue
of hurt just your lot in life?”
-
This is exactly what I
have been feeling… for years. It doesn’t
mean I have not had sweet times with God but that it is a constant battle to
have them. I am constantly fighting back
against these feelings of hurt to get to a place where I can enjoy sweet
fellowship with God. I miss the easy
going, conflict free life that I once enjoyed.
I was never one that did well with conflict… so these years of tension
and conflict have taken a huge toll on my life… on my peace… on my joy. Sadly, I don’t think that the other party
even knows the impact they have had on my life… or even cares. I think that their goal all along was to hurt
me as much as they feel I have hurt them and their loved ones. The hurtful words and accusations have stung
more than I ever wanted to admit. I
think just once I wanted to be asked what our side of the story was… but that
will most likely never happen.
-
Am I going to let them
define me? Am I going to let what they
believe about me to define me? Am I
going to let this situation in life to define me? I know who I am… I know the love I displayed
during a very difficult time. I know I
am not perfect, but I also know that I am not the monster that I was made out
to be. I don’t want this hurt to define
me anymore. Lord, I don’t know how to
change… but I do want to be healed so that I can move on once and for all. To live in the joy of being close to
You! Be at work in my life today…!
“What do you do when the problem is not simply an old wound
from the past but one that’s continually being opened and re-injured? Or how do
you simultaneously forgive someone while also bearing the responsibility of
protecting yourself? How do you deal
with the sights and sounds, the flashbacks that crop up out of nowhere, the
markers and anniversaries that continually roll around or unsheathe themselves
at random times of day? What about when
your anger is focused not against a person who did something to you but against
someone who has harmed a person you love? Truly, these are God-sized wounds
that need God-sized answers. When the
pain is this close, when the wound is this tender, when the offense is this
obvious, how do we forgive?”
-
These are questions I
wrestle with constantly… how do I keep forgiving when once I forgive and try to
move on another message is sent to blast me and blame me for everything that
went wrong? I get conflicting messages…
‘How could you abandon him…? Stay out of
our lives…!’ It was never our choice to have no contact… we didn’t abandon
anyone and yet when we finally gave into what they wanted we were once again at
fault. Nothing we did was ever right… How
do I prevent their hurtful words from destroying me? How do I protect myself? How do I get through the pain of difficult
anniversaries… Holidays, birthdays, special occasions missed…? How do I get over the hurt of watching my
husband suffer… the nights of watching him cry himself to sleep… we suffer
alone and yet were still made out to be the enemies? We lost so many friends… even today we question
whether we can go to an activity because ‘so and so’ may be there. Lord, these are God-sized wounds… wounds
that only You can heal… wounds that I desire for you to heal… not only in my
life but all of those affected.
“Everyone will get hurt.
It’s a fact of life. Pain is
unavoidable in this fallen world. You
will be hurt, wronged, and offended by others.
There’s no way around it. The
bible says, ‘I have told you these things, so that in me you may have
peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have
overcome the world.’ (John 16:33) and again ‘In fact, everyone who wants
to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted’ (2 Tim 3:12)… True,
one person’s experiences will differ from another’s by specifics and
degree. Some will experience pain that’s
far worse that that of others. But the
fact remains universal that all of us will suffer harm of some kind… likely
many times along the way. We will all
encounter situation that provide fertile ground for resentment and unforgiveness
to take root and bloom in our hearts.”
-
Pain in this world will
take place… at times it will come because we are serving the Lord and Satan
wants nothing more than to destroy us and our testimony. He will use whatever he can to make us
ineffective. Other times, I believe it
is due to our own sin… our sins have consequences and at times those
consequences are painful. I also believe
that we endure suffering because we live in a fallen world. Human beings’ sin and many times they sin
against other people… causing them pain.
-
Just as I will endure
suffering in this fallen world, unfortunately, I will be the one to deeply hurt
others. It grieves me that I could cause
others to hurt as much as I have been hurt by others, but it is true. I have looked back on past situations and
accusations that were tossed my way… and even though my perception of the
situation is completely different than how they view what took place… it
saddens me that they are hurt because they are viewing the situations through
their perception… It doesn’t matter if what they believe is true or not… they
are still hurting. How many times have I
viewed a situation through my own perception… not able to see the other persons
side and been hurt? We live in a fallen
world.
-
Satan enjoys these
situations… he wants us to stay wrapped up in our own little world. He wants the seeds of resentment to grow and
bloom so that unforgiveness and bitterness can take over our lives and render
us useless. I cannot change how other
people feel… I cannot heal the hurt in their lives… that is the work of the
Holy Spirit… just as I need Him to work in my own life. He alone can bring about truth and healing
into any situation. Even if there is
never restoration of a broken relationship… He can restore the broken
life. Lord, restore my life. Heal my heart. Help my heart to flourish once again.
“The outcome of our lives is not determined by what happens
to us but by how we respond to what happens to us… -who we are , how we
function, our personal well-being, our future, our relationships, our
usefulness- none of that is ultimately determined by anything that anyone has
done or could do to hurt us… They will carve grooves into our hearts that will
always be a part of our experience but those circumstances horrendous as they
may be, do not have power to control the outcome of our lives. As long as we believe that our happiness and
well-being are determined by what happens to us, we will always be victims,
because so much of what happens to us is beyond our control.”
“When we as God’s children realize that His grace is
sufficient for every situation, that by the power of His indwelling Spirit we
have the ability to respond with grace and forgiveness to those who have sinned
against us- at that point we are no longer victims. We are free to rise above whatever may have
been done to us, to grow through it, and to become instruments of grace,
reconciliation, and redemption in the lives of other hurting people and even in
the lives of our offenders. Yes, we can
be free- if we choose to be.”
-
I can be free… I do not
have to controlled by what happened to me… I don’t have to allow these
overwhelming thoughts control me… I don’t have to let what other people think
of me control me. My usefulness and
future are not determined by the words that have been spoken into my life… it
isn’t even determined by my past actions.
I can choose today to walk away from this prison. I can choose to repent from my past sins, to
repent of my bitterness and anger, to ask God to heal my heart, and ask God to
help me to respond with grace and forgiveness if they come back at me with
hurtful words in the future. This
reminds me of a verse I memorized when I was a youth, “Am I now trying to win
the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please
people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant
of Christ.” Galatians 1:10. I know this is an area I struggle with. I want to be accepted by people… it hurts
when I am rejected, when a relationship is broken… but trying to win the
approval of people who have no desire to be in a relationship with me has only done
more damage than good. I need to let go
and allow God to be at work in me. Allow Him to bring the people into my life
that I am to love and serve in His name.
I need to focus on pleasing God in my actions and not worry about what
mankind thinks of me.
“There are essentially two ways of responding to life’s
hurts and unfair experiences. The first,
natural response is to become a debt collector.
We set out to make the offender pay for what he has done. We may be overt or subtle, but until we get a
satisfactory apology, until we determine that an adequate penalty has been
paid, we intend on keeping the wrongdoer in debtors’ prison; we reserve the
right to punish them for their transgression.
This is the pathway of resentment and retaliation- getting even,
exacting payment for what they did. But
the problem is that being a ‘debt collector’ does more than keep our offender
in debtors’ prison; it puts us in prison. Debt collecting is the natural
response of sinful humans to being harmed, abused, or mistreated. Invariably, it produces the bitter fruit of
deeper pain, resentment, and bondage.
But there is another way. A
better way. God’s way.”
-
I recognize that I have
been responding to life’s hurts by being a debt collector and it only led to
more and more difficulties. Even before
everything completely fell apart, I was living with this response… “you hurt
me, or my family” therefore, I will keep you at arm’s length until you
apologize and make things right… it is what led things to spiral even further
out of control. I am sure from their
perspective we were just evil people keeping them from the one thing they
loved… there was a huge lack of communication with each side blaming the other…
each side putting the other in debtor’s prison.
I honestly don’t know if there will ever be reconciliation… and I
honestly don’t know if I even want to enter into the chaotic relationship ever
again… but I do want to release them from the debtor’s prison and free myself
as well. I don’t need to be a part of a relationship
that can so easily toss you to the curb and kick you when you are down… blaming
you for everything but I do pray that all parties find they healing they
need.
“As an alternative to being debt collectors- the pathway of
resentment and retaliation- God calls us to the pure, powerful choice of
forgiveness- and to pursue, wherever possible, the pathway of restoration and
reconciliation. Colossians 3:13 states ‘Bear
with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance
against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’ There’s not a lot of grey
area or wiggle room in there. Mark 11:25
states, ‘And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone,
forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.’
ANYTHING AGAINST ANYONE… Forgiveness is not a take-or-leave option that only a
super-Christian should be expected to take.”
-
Not only is forgiveness
a better route than resentment and retaliation because it frees us from being prisoners,
but it is a step of obedience. God’s
Word commands us to forgive others… not only those who are worthy of our
forgiveness or those who only hurt us a little bit… or those who are no longer
hurting us… but we are to forgive ANYTHING against ANYONE. This doesn’t mean forgiveness will be easy…
nor does it mean the hurt will go away instantly… but I don’t have to allow
their sin against me to cause me to sin.
I can forgive them and move on… sometimes moving on means actively
taking steps towards reconciliation… sometimes it means walking away from the
situation and leaving it in God’s hands.
The first time I did this study I tried to bring about reconciliation,
only to be hurt once again and blamed for everything. This time I am going to forgive and move on
and allow God to do His work in the lives of the others.
“Again, nothing about forgiveness is easy. There’s no question about that. It’s hard to think about. It’s hard to do. It’s hard to keep doing. But if we could somehow back away from our
own situation long enough, out where we could see more clearly, where the
wounds and the scars didn’t hurt us every time we turned a certain way or made
a sudden movement, we’d see something else.
We’d see that not forgiving only makes it worse.”
-
Not forgiving does make
things worse… I am a living example of that.
I have been consumed by thoughts of the past, consumed by the hurtful
words and actions, consumed by thoughts of what we could have done differently…
and what can filling my mind with these thoughts do other than prevent me from
doing the Work of God today? NOTHING! I
wasted so much time stuck in the past and the prison of hurt and resentment… it
is time to do the work and forgive those who have hurt me… it may be hard work
but it will be worth it in the end.
“… What put him there wasn’t really intentional. Something sparked, one thing led to another,
a situation just spun out of control. It
happens like that sometimes doesn’t it?
You can probably think of an event in your own life when things got
heated, the pot began to boil over, and the next thing you knew… the damage had
been done. There was no going back. The things were said, the things occurred-
they forever changed your life.”
-
I can actually think of
multiple situations in my life like this.
The one from years ago that has had me trapped in a prison of bitterness
and hurt… and a more recent event that still has me a little shocked. In both situations the other party has no
desire for reconciliation but that does not mean I cannot do my part in
forgiving and moving on… allowing God to do His miraculous work and not let the
past define me.
-
Of course, this often
happens in regular conflicts as well… I have also had many other situations
spin out of control… fights with Matthew, misunderstandings with co-workers,
etc. I am thankful that we serve a God
that does allow for forgiveness and reconciliation. Most of the time I have been able to resolve
the conflict and move on. I am one that
is quick to apologize because I hate conflict… my co-workers and I have learned
to talk things through when we have a misunderstanding and not allow the
conflict to affect our work. I think
this is what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I praise God that most of my conflict has
been resolved in this way… even if the situation spiraled out of control more
than it should have.
“I realize that this journey into forgiveness may require
you to delve into areas of your life that are sensitive and still hot to the
touch. But I am also aware that our natural way of handling these hurts only
results in keeping them sore and inflamed.
It is God’s way- and His way alone- that holds out any hope of healing
and rescue from the inevitable troubles of life that we face.”
-
Lord, I know that this
process is going to hurt at times… but I pray that You bring about Your
ultimate healing to the areas of my life that have been wounded beyond human
repair. I want to be able to think about
those who have hurt me with love and not pain and bitterness.
Making it Personal Questions: (Too personal to share
specifics with everyone 😊 )
· Is there a person or circumstance you have blamed for the way your life has turned out? How could accepting responsibility for your response to that person or situation set you free?
· Is there someone who has wronged you that you’re still trying to make pay for their offense? How have you tried to exact payment from them? What is holding you back from forgiving that person, releasing them from their debt?
· Can you think of a situation where you retaliated or became resentful, rather than forgiving someone who hurt you? What were the results? How has your relationship with that person been affected? How did your response change you? How did it affect your relationship with God?
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