Choosing Forgiveness – Chapter 7 – What True Forgiveness is and isn’t

I am going through a book called “Choosing Forgiveness-Your Journey to Freedom” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  It is an area in my life that I am struggling with… and this book has been very convicting.  I am going to share only some of the quotes that have impacted my life as I study this book and my own heart.  I have not been able to completely forgive those who have hurt me… I am a work in progress but it is my desire to forgive completely.  I don’t want to go into the details of the pain but I would love prayer as I walk through this journey towards freedom.  The quotes in red come from the book… the rest are my own personal thoughts.

4 Common myths of forgiveness

1)      That forgiveness and good feelings go hand in hand.

Forgiveness can’t be proven by our feelings, any more than it can be motivated or empowered by them.  Forgiveness is a choice and feelings often aren't.  It’s quite possible to forgive someone in totally the right way—God’s way—and still have thoughts flash across your mind that completely contradicts the decision you made.  Life goes on and sometimes old feelings turn up when you’re not watching, dug up to be handled and replanted, left on your doorstep to be dealt with all over again… but that doesn't negate what you've done.  It simply gives you an opportunity to let Him rule over those emotions, to stay the course and keep on forgiving—by faith.

*** I always thought that my feelings determined whether or not I have really forgiven the person… but the pain doesn't always go away when you forgive… Wow… and you can still have thoughts flash through your mind that are painful… what is more important is what you do with those thoughts… do you dwell on them and allow bitterness to build up in you or do you once again deal with them and keep choosing to forgive.

2)      That forgiveness means forgetting

The Bible never says that God “forgets” our sins.  How could a God who knows everything forget anything?  Instead, the Bible says that He has not “counted” our sins against us.  He has chosen not to remember them against us, not to bring them back up, never again to accuse or condemn us with them.  He has modeled for us the silent promise of forgiveness. 

*** A lot of my teaching growing up is that God forgets our sins when He wipes them clean… but the glory of grace is that He knows all of our sins and still chooses to love us and save us… to not hold those sins against us.  Lord, help me to follow your example in this area.

We may be tempted to think how wonderful it would be if we could just forget all the pain—how much easier to forgive, if we didn't have to deal with all the memories… but I have discovered that the most stinging memories from the past can be powerful reminders of the grace and forgiveness of God, living monuments of His mercy in my life—markers that keep me dependent and trusting… furthermore, the memory of past hurt can provide a powerful platform for ministry to other hurting people.  Those memories help us realize how easy it can be for someone to find herself consumed with anger and sinking in desperation.  They give us the ability to look others in the eye and say, “I've been there.  I know.  And I’m telling you, His grace is sufficient for you”.

** Lord, use my pain to comfort others that have been in similar situations.  Use the pain as a reminder that you are with me… walking me through the difficult times. 

3)      That forgiveness requires a long, drawn-out process and cannot take place until healing is complete

 When forgiveness is seen primarily as a work in progress, it seldom becomes a work in practice.  While it’s true that the healing of mind, emotions, heart and relationships generally takes time and involves a process of growth, if we wait to forgive until we are fully restored, we will likely never forgive… I believe that the point of forgiveness is followed by a process of healing and restoration—not the other way around.  By the grace of God, you can choose to forgive in a moment of time, to the level of your understanding at that point… and though much more may be required of you down the line, the reality of being released from the prison cell of your own unforgiveness can happen today. 

*** How often do we wait until we are no longer hurting before we choose to forgive the other person..?  How often does this process of waiting take a lifetime?   I never realized that forgiveness can be a choice we make even amidst the most painful times… and after we forgive we continue through the process of healing and restoration.   I can be released from the prison cell in an instant… though that doesn't mean I am completely healed from the pain brought on by others… but I am no longer captive to my own sins of unforgiveness. 

4)      That forgiveness should always make things better

Over and over again in life—in your marriage, with your children, in the workplace, at church, even serving in a ministry—you will be faced with the same crossroads; do you forgive, or do you harbor resentment and bitterness?

*** Just because I forgive doesn't mean that things will automatically get better.  We live in a fallen world… they may not change their actions and continue to hurt me… I may have to continue to forgive over and over again.  It may be someone else who offends me and I have to decide if I am going to forgive them or not.  As long as we live on earth we will continue to interact with broken people in need of forgiveness and we will continue to sin against others and need the same grace of forgiveness.

3 Good habits to forgiving:

1)      Exercise total confidence in God’s power and eternal plan…
When you’re feeling overwhelmed by your inability to cope with the pain you feel, when your mind is being badgered with clever comebacks you with you could use on your offender, when the strain of it all is more than you can bear, deliberately cast your cares upon the Lord.  Turn your weakness into prayer.  Throw yourself fully on the grace of God, and trust Him to handle this in His own way, in His own time.

*** We are weak and in our human nature we would rather retaliate or hideaway… but God is strong and He can carry us through the pain we can’t bear on our own.  Lord, help me to silence my tongue when all I want to do is spout off one of those clever comebacks that fill my mind… help me to cast all this pain onto you and allow you to fill me with your grace.

2)      Be more concerned about your calling than your comfort…
 The driving force of his life’s work and energies—was more important that whatever drama was unfolding in his personal life… Does God have enough strength for you?  But He has more in mind for you than just seeing you happy and content.  His plan, his passion for transforming people though the power of the gospel is your calling as well.

*** Yes, God loves us… but His love for us has an eternal outlook… He desires for us to be transformed by the power of the gospel… He will use every experience for our good… not necessarily our comfort or happiness here on earth.  I need to be more concerned about my own holiness… my own reactions… I need to choose holiness above comfort even when dealing with the pain others pour upon me.

3)      Learn the secret of forbearance…
To “forbear” means to show restraint, to be patient in the face of provocation, to be long-suffering and willing to put up with people’s actions or inactions—to let things go. 

Let’s look at forbear in real life:

·         When your husband fails to notice something special you did for him

·         Your children don’t call as often as you would like

·         Your mother in law says something that hurts your feelings

·         A motorist talking on his cell phone nearly runs you off the road

What do you do? You forbear.  You let it go.

Yes, sometimes offenses need to be confronted and dealt with… but most of them just need to be overlooked.  Our problem is, we tend to confront the sins we should overlook, and overlook the sins we should confront!

The lack of forbearance in our homes and everyday circumstances causes us to exaggerate offenses… it magnifies tension and intensifies conflict; it erects walls in relationships, makes us petty and peevish, and severs friendships.  Exercising forbearance in minor, daily matters is important practice and preparation for extending forgiveness in the bigger issues that are sure to arise…

*** I have always thought that I had the gift of forbearance…  and while often times I do… there are also times in which I don’t… times that I allow offenses to work up to me to the point that they consume me.   I hold it all in until I explode and in the process destroy relationships.  

What kind of legacy are you leaving for your children- and their children?  If they take their cues from the way they see you respond to pain, disappointment, and loss, how will they respond to life’s tragedies?  How are your responses shaping their view of God?

*** I don’t think I am perfect… and unfortunately for the time being I cannot influence the life of Shane… but that doesn't mean I cannot leave a legacy of forgiveness behind for the youth to see and follow.  Lord, help me to live my life in such a way that You are glorified… and your forgiveness shines through..!