Choosing Forgiveness - Chapter 7 – What True Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

Quotes & Summary in White – My thoughts in Red

“It’s possible that even after reading the Scriptures and examining the concepts we’ve explored, you still find forgiveness too painful and difficult to contemplate.  Or perhaps, truth be known, you’d rather keep nursing your wounds and savoring your resentment than to release the offense.  Either way, you’re just not ready to forgive.”

I know that when I first started this study that I did not think I was ready to forgive.  The wounds still hurt… and to be honest when I think about the words spewed at me, the accusations thrown our way… sometimes it still does hurt to the core.  But God is so good, and He is doing an amazing work in me to release me from the bondage of this pain.  He has helped me to forgive those who have hurt me… whether intentionally or not and to move one from the situation once and for all. 

 

“Your unwillingness to trust and obey God in this matter—even if it’s more from exhaustion and self-preservation than from rank hardness of heart—will keep the atmosphere of your life contaminated with the poison of bitterness.  You may not be conscious of its noxious effects every day, but it will cut off the flow of God’s grace into your life.  Satan will use it as a foothold to gain advantage over you, to point his finger of blame as evidence that you’re not all you profess to be—and that God is not as strong and loving toward you as you’d like to think He is.”

My life was definitely contaminated with the poison of bitterness… and it wasn’t because of a hardness of heart… I was literally in that mode of self-preservation and exhaustion. I remember accusations about leaving the country and thinking… we are destroyed… we are doing everything we can to survive another day.  We needed an escape… we needed to be lifted up from the pit of depression.  I know that I wandered in the dry land for years before I was able to find my footing again… and I constantly find myself back in the desert land… But God gently calls me back to Him.  I feel closer to Him now than I have in years… I know I am not where I want to be yet, but He is slowly bringing back to the land flowing with streams of living water. 

Yesterday, I got to reminiscence about my time living in Argentina… it was a time that I felt so close to God.  I went through so many trials when I lived there but I also felt the presence of God on a daily basis.  I know that I was walking in His ways… I know that my life had an impact.  I know that I was able to bring youth to the food of the cross and even today, I can see the impact as they continue to walk closely with God and bring others to the cross. Even during that time, Satan still tried to get into my life… so why would I think he wouldn’t try when I am weak and broken? 

 

“This doesn’t mean that what’s been done to you isn’t terrible.  But there is simply no comfort in unforgiveness.  It soothes nothing.  It takes you nowhere.  Why go on letting it eat you alive when God’s strength is so near at hand, so ready to bring you relief?”

This is so true… we have been through some very difficult experiences… the pain of it all is hard… we may never understand why we had to endure it… but holding onto the unforgiveness does not help.  It does not bring comfort, it does not soothe the pain… it does not bring about healing.  All it does it continue to eat us alive.  We need to let it go… to forgive and allow God to bring about His relief into the situation… that is the only way to bring about true healing and comfort. 

 

Four common myths that masquerade as truth in the area of forgiveness.

 “Perhaps you’ve been misled by the common assumption—(1) that forgiveness and good feelings always go hand and hand…

You may have honestly, genuinely trusted God to help you forgive your offender.  You’ve given Him your heart, you’ve laid it all out before Him, you’ve released the right to punish one who hurt you.  But then the phone rings.  Their birthday rolls around.  A situation flares up where they handle a similar set of circumstances in the same insensitive way.  And your emotions start to eat up again.  That’s when many people conclude, ‘I guess I haven’t really forgiven him, because if I had, I wouldn’t still feel this way.’  But forgiveness can’t be proven by our feelings any more than it can be motivated or empowered by them.  Forgiveness is a choice.  And feelings often aren’t…. Life goes on and sometimes old feelings turn up when you’re not watching, dug up to be handled and replanted, left on your doorstep to be dealt with all over again.  But that doesn’t negate what you’ve done.  It simply gives you an opportunity to let Him rule over those emotions, to stay the course and keep on forgiving—by faith.”

I have believed this lie before… and I think it is one of the reasons that over time I allowed the bitterness to grow back up in my life slowly.  I couldn’t get the feelings to go away, so they slowly grew back up… and the anger over what happened with it grew.  This time around I am learning to take my feelings captive and bring them to the cross… when I think about a situation that took place and I start to feel the hurt or anger once again, I remind myself, “You have forgiven XXXXX. They no longer get to have any control over you and your feelings.” Then I start to pray for God to heal the pain that is still present in my life.  So far, it has been working.  Forgiveness is a choice, feelings are not always a choice… but we can still take our feelings captive and change them… we just have to be willing to put in the work and not let them control us.

 

“Many people also live with this myth—(2) that forgiveness means forgetting. 

They’ll point to what the Scripture says about the way God has forgiven us, ‘as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us’ (Psalm 103:12). But the Bible never says that God ‘forgets’ our sins.  How could a God who knows everything forget anything?  Instead, the Bible says that He has not ‘counted’ our sins against us (2 Cor. 5:19).  He has chosen not to remember them against us (Hebrews 10:17).  So the fact that you have not been able to forget the offense doesn’t necessarily mean that you haven’t forgiven it.  We may be tempted to think how wonderful it would be if we could just forget all the pain—how much easier to forgive, if we didn’t have to deal with all the memories.  I have discovered that the most stinging memories from the past can be powerful reminders of the grace and forgiveness of God… markers that keep me dependent and trusting.  Further, the memory of past hurts can provide a powerful platform for ministry to other hurting people. ‘Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God’ (2 Cor.1:3-4).  Forgiveness is far more than just a way for us to ‘cope’ with our own wounds.  The mercy and grace of God and the lessons learned along the way are intended to extend beyond us and be a means of blessing to others.”

I learned a long time ago that forgiveness did not mean forgetting.  A quote that has stuck with me throughout the years is that “Forgiveness is remembering without bitterness”… which I have learned does not mean that we don’t have pain but we don’t have that uncontrolled anger towards the person.  I have thought it would be easier if we could forget… and some times God does allow us to forget things (things that are so painful that through His mercy He allows us to block it from our memory and things that are so small that there is no need to remember and add them up against another person).  I never thought about how remembering the pain helps us to remember the grace of God that helped us through the situation and also paves the way for our ministry to others going through similar experiences.

 

“There’s a third myth that keeps many people from experiencing the reality and blessings of forgiveness in their lives (3) that forgiveness requires a long, drawn-out process and cannot take place until healing is complete.

 I’ve watched believers ‘working their way’ toward forgiveness for years and years and never getting there.  The choice to forgive does not have to involve a long, extended process—any more than God’s forgiveness of us is a slow-moving, wait-and-see, not-till-I’m-good-and-ready series of events and checkpoints.  Now, the outworking of restoration and reconciliation in a broken relationship may extend over a period of time, requiring a lot more in the hard work department than one singer prayer or decision… but by God’s grace, you can choose to forgive in a moment of time…. While it’s true that healing of mind, emotions, heart, and relationships generally takes time and involves a process of growth, if we wait to forgive until we are fully restored, we will likely never forgive.  I believe that, as a rule, the point of forgiveness is followed by a process of healing and restoration—not the other way around.  The willingness to forgive is often the beginning of true healing taking place.”

Wow… so much truth in this and yet I too have fallen into believing the myth.  While there may be times where we have to process our emotions enough to get to a point where we are even willing to forgive… forgiveness itself is not a process and we should not wait until we are completely healed to forgive.  We need to be willing to take the step of obedience and forgive the other person… it is only then will God continue the process of restoration and healing in our life.  Forgiveness is the first step in the process of healing, not the last step.  If only I had understood this concept years ago… if only I had believed it.  As God is healing me, He may open my eyes to other areas in which I need to forgive, but once again, I need to do it immediately so He can continue His work of healing in my life. 

 

“One final myth that needs to be exposed is this—(4) that forgiveness should always make things better.

 Part of being human, made in the image of God, is the expectation that life should normally follow an upward trend, getting richer and fuller and more fulfilling along the way… But life generally isn’t like that in our fallen world… if we are going to live at peace with God and our fellowman—forgiveness is going to have to be a way of life.  As you have been wronged in the past, so you are certain to face future situations where you will again be wronged, maligned, and treated unfairly.  Over and over again in life—in your marriage, with your children, in the workplace, at church, even serving in a ministry—you will be faced with the same crossroads; do you forgive, or do you harbor resentment and bitterness?”

I think we believe this myth because we so want it to be true.  We want forgiveness to make everything better… to solve all of our problems but we live in a fallen world and as long as we are alive, we will face trials and the need to forgive others (and to be forgiven for hurting others).  Every day, every time we have been wronged, we have a choice... are we going to forgive or are we going to harbor resentment and bitterness towards the person?  We already know the consequences of holding onto bitterness… but sometimes it is hard to remember when we are dealing with the pain, the rejection, the hurt that was caused us by another. Lord, help me to choose forgiveness… every time. Help me be known for having a forgiving spirit and loving others.

 

“How was he (Paul) able to do it?  How was he able to forgive… and to keep on forgiving even new hurts and offenses?

I think the only way Paul was able to forgive… and to keep on forgive even new hurts and offenses is the same way that we will be able to do it… by walking closely with the Lord.  He will give us the strength to forgive, just as He gave Paul the strength to forgive.  He will give us peace in even the most difficult situation.  When we keep our eyes on the cross and our focus on Christ… we can forgive those who hurt us deeply because we will have an eternal focus.  

 

(             1)    Paul exercised total confidence in God’s power and His eternal plan. 

He wasn’t oblivious to what was happening to him or around him.  He didn’t live in blissful denial or even try to ‘forget’ the things that had been done to him.  Instead, he dealt with the blows by letting them marinate in the truth: ‘The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into His heavenly Kingdom’ (2 Tim. 4:18).  When you are feeling overwhelmed by your inability to cope with the pain you feel, when your mind is being badgered with clever comebacks you wish you could use on your offender, when the strain of it all is more than you can bear, deliberately cast your cares upon the Lord.  Turn your weakness into prayer.  Throw yourself fully on the grace of God and trust Him to handle this in His own way, in His own time.”

Lord, help me to have this eternal focus… knowing that You are with me through the hard times and will rescue me from evil and deliver me safely into Your heavenly Kingdom… I don’t need to focus on the here and now… the earthly pain but I can focus on You!!!  I know my mind is often badgered by clever comebacks, or what ifs… of how I could have done things differently… help me to give these up and instead pray… turn my weakness into power and let You handle things.

 

       “(2) Paul was more concerned about his calling than his comfort.

He knew that the proclamation of the gospel—the driving force of his life’s work and energies—was more important than whatever drama was unfolding in his personal life…. Does God have enough strength for you?  Absolutely.  He has more in mind for you than just seeing you happy and contented.  His plan, His passion for transforming people through the power of the gospel is your calling, as well.  And the story of your forgiveness will be one way He does that.”

Lord, may I focus on my calling… how I can bring You glory and serve You… may I focus on how I can disciple others and point them to You.  May I be so focused on living my life for You… that I don’t have time to worry about the petty conflicts that are going on in my life… may I not have time to worry about the people who are unintentionally or even intentionally causing me pain.  May the way I love others and show grace to them be a testimony and light to others. Forgive me for failing in this area in the past.

 

        “(3) Paul had learned the secret of forbearance.

To ‘forbear’ means to show restraint, to be patient in the face of provocation, to be longsuffering and willing to put up with people’s actions or inactions—to let things go.  Forbearance is actually a by-product of love, the kind of love that ‘covers a multitude of sins’ (1 Peter 4:8). 

Let’s look at it in real life: 

v  Your husband fails to notice something special you did for him.

v  Your adult children don’t call as often as you’d like.

v  Your boss blames you for something your co-worker did.

v  Your mother-in-law says something that hurts your feelings.

v  Someone walks right by you at church without saying a word.

v  A motorist talking on his cell phone nearly runs you off the road. 

What do you do?  You forbear.  You let it go.  Yes, some offenses need to be confronted and dealt with.  But many others—most of them, in fact—just need to be overlooked and put away.  (Our problem is, we tend to confront the sins we should overlook, and overlook the sins we should confront!).  The lack of forbearance in our homes and everyday circumstances causes us to exaggerate offenses… It magnifies tensions and intensifies conflict; it erects walls in relationships, makes us petty and peevish, and severs friendships.  Exercising forbearance in minor, daily matters is important practice and preparation for extending forgiveness in the bigger issues that are sure to arise.”

Lord, help me to learn the secret of forbearance… to let things go.  To not hold people’s sins against them.  I know that I don’t want people to hold my sins or imperfections against me… so help me to show them the same grace that I want to be shown.  I know that I have grown in this area but there is always more work to be done. 

 

“We bear that kind of responsibility to our children and to others who are watching the way we live.  What kind of legacy are you leaving for your children—and their children?  If they take their cues from the way they see you respond to pain, disappointment, and loss, how will they respond to life’s tragedies?  How are your responses shaping their view of God?  Have you considered the impact that your forgiving spirit (or your bitterness) will have on future generations?”

Lord, you know how much my heart hurts for how things ended with Shane, but I pray that You would be at work in His life.  Lord, he is full of so much hate and bitterness.  I don’t want that to be a legacy I leave behind and yet, I know that I don’t have any influence over his life anymore so I pray that You would place people in his life that will touch him in ways that I never could.  Lord, thank you for those that You have placed in my life… I pray that I would be an example to them… one that shows them how to forgive even the deepest hurts and seeks You when life doesn’t make sense. 

Making it Personal Questions: (Too personal to share specifics with everyone 😊 )

 Identify any of the four ‘myths’ addressed in this chapter that have kept you from extending full forgiveness.

Have you learned the secret of forbearance?  What situation are you facing currently where you need to exercise forbearance?

What kind of legacy are you leaving for the next generation in relation to forgiveness?