Quotes & Summary in White – My thoughts in Red
“On the
other side of ‘choosing forgiveness’ is the kind of life God intended for you
when He sent His Son to die for your sin—the freedom to bless others, to walk
unhindered by bitterness and resentment, to relate confidently with God and
with the people around you, and most important to be a living, walking display
of the gospel and grace of Christ… but how do you get there? How do you come to the place where
forgiveness can do its healing work, both in you and in your offender?”
This
is the place on want to be. I want to be
free to bless others… free to walk unhindered by bitterness and resentment… to
relate confidently with God and the people around me… to be a living, walking
display of the gospel and grace of Christ.
I want forgiveness to do its healing work not only in me but also in
those who hurt me… and especially in the ones I have hurt. This is the reason I am doing this study
again. I believe in the power of forgiveness…
and I believe that through Christ I can forgive and be forgiven.
“How do
you find freedom from an issue that’s been seething and simmering for a good
part of your lifetime? How do you
overcome an offense so entangled in your heart it’s shaped the person you are
and the way you react to all of life?”
I
believe that the only answer to these types of issues is God. He is the only one that can bring us true
freedom from our painful past. He is the
only one that can bring about lasting change in our life. He can use every situation in our life for
our good… if we allow Him to… but we have to be willing to offer it up to Him
and trust Him to do the work in us. If
we try to hold on to the pain and don’t allow Him access, then it will continue
to seethe beneath the surface. He does
not force His way into our life… He does not force us to accept His
healing.
“I’ve
watched the Lord reconcile and restore relationships between people who could
hardly stand to be in the same room together… they were mother and
daughter-in-law… through all the years they had known each other, they had
never gotten along. In fact, their
dislike for each other had grown pretty intense… they had certainly gotten to
the place where everything about the other bothered them. I’m sure you know how
that can happen. Maybe it’s happened to
you. During the course of the afternoon,
as I shared about the importance of forgiveness, one of them made the first
move. I don’t even know which one, but
all I know is that they both ended up in the prayer room, in each other’s arms,
seeking and finding one another’s forgiveness.
I’m telling you, it can happen—in any situation—in your situation—as God
gives the grace and as you make the choice to do what He’s calling you to do.”
Sometimes
I wonder if I believe that God can reconcile and restore any relationship… In
my head I know that it is possible… I know that He has that kind of power… but
I also know that He doesn’t force anything upon us… so am I the one that is the
barrier to reconciliation… is the other party the one that is the barrier… or
is someone else completely a barrier? Would
things be better if there was reconciliation or would it just continue the
cycle of hurt over and over again? I
don’t have the answers to these questions… so for now, I will continue to work
on my relationship with Jesus and pray for all parties involved.
“I want to
suggest three practical steps you can take—both to accelerate and cement your
forgiveness of others. I don’t mean to
suggest that forgiveness is easy or to reduce it to a three-step formula. I realize that painful memories, emotions,
and relationships may all be involved and may require further healing.
1)
Identify the people who have wronged you and
the way(s) they have sinned against you.
v
Take a blank piece of paper and draw two lines
from the top to bottom, forming three even columns down the page.
v
In the left column, write the names of all
those who have sinned against you, anyone with whom you still have unresolved
issues of the heart. You know who they
are. Mother, father, stepparent, brother,
sister, former employer, former pastor, neighbor, son or daughter, ex-mate—make
the list.
v
Then in the middle column—next to the names
you’ve listed—write out the specific offense (or offenses) each once has
committed against you. How did they wrong you?
Be specific.
These
things that others did to you were wrong.
They have hurt you. And God does
not want you to run away from your pain but to run to Him in the midst of your
pain—to fly head-on into the full fury of it, to face it, to let Him meet you
right where it hurts and give you the grace to be set free from any bondage to
that hurt.
v
That’s what the third column is for. Ask yourself, ‘How have I responded to this
person?’ Then record your answer.
v
Have you blessed them? Have you loved them? Have you prayed for
them? Have you forgiven them? Or would
it be more honest to say that you have withheld love from them, resented them,
and been angry with them?
You can’t
really forgive until your conscience is clear toward those who have sinned
against you, until you’ve let God fashion His love in your heart toward those
who have failed you. The truth is that
you’re not responsible for what goes in that middle column (assuming their
offense wasn’t in response to your sin against them!). You didn’t ask for it, didn’t invite it,
don’t deserve it. But you are responsible—solely
and fully responsible—for what goes in the third column. And if your response has not been Christ
like, then you need to go back to that person and seek his or her forgiveness
for the way you’ve sinned against them.
I
know that I did this exercise the first time I went through the study and it
was eye opening. In one situation in
particular, it resulted in more pain, and I allowed bitterness to build back
up. I am not responsible for how the
other person responds… I am only responsible for how I do. In that particular situation, I am going to
release the bitterness, and choose to walk in grace. I know restoration is not always possible and
I am not going to put myself in a place to be hurt once again… not when every
time I reach out, it is returned with words meant to cut me down.
There
is another situation I can think of where offering an apology may a bring about
greater peace to the relationship. It is
not easy to ask forgiveness so long after an event occurred, but I do think God
can be glorified when we do. I am
grateful that I don’t have conflict with many people. For the most part, I am easy to get along
with… and quick to forgive… there are just a handful of people that I struggle
with.
“Well,”
you acknowledge, “I may have been responsible for 5% of what happened… But 95%
or more of it was his fault!” Okay. Then assume 100% responsibility for your ‘5
percent’ and ask forgiveness.
Wow,
this is so hard for me. When I know (or
think) I am 95% right… I don’t want to apologize for my 5%... or I want to
apologize with an excuse or justification… “I only did this because YOU…” I know lots of arguments with Matthew could
be avoided or resolved quicker if I could only follow this advice. I also know that it is my pride that gets in
the way from doing it…
For the
most part, we’re quick to overlook our share of the blame—just as quick as the
other person is. That usually leaves a
lot of unclaimed responsibility lying around, where it can keep on spreading
its poison, perpetuating the damage.
Jesus reminds us that it’s a lot easier to see the failures in others’
lives than it is to see our own needs.
We tend to look at everyone else’s sins with a microscope, while looking
at our own with a telescope! ‘Why do you
see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is
in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out
of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take
the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out
of your brother's eye’ (Matthew 7:3-5).
God is saying, ‘You take responsibility for your part.’ Have you?
If not, humble yourself. Go and
seek forgiveness. Be sure your conscience
is clear.
Lord,
help me to do what I need to do to have a clear conscience before you. If that means I need to go to the other
person then I need you to open the door.
If that means, I need to confess the sin to you and turn from it, then
may I do that today. I want to walk before
you, knowing that my conscience is clean.
3)
Choose to fully forgive every person who has
sinned against you.
v
This is where all the tender and wounded parts
of your emotions may cry out in self-protection and protest. And this is where the Enemy will work hard to
keep you from going all the way with God and doing what you know you need to
do.
v
You don’t have to feel like it. You don’t have to want to. But if you want to
be an obedient child of God, you’ve got to forgive.
This
is where the rubber meets the road and I have to decide if I am going to give
into my “feelings”… into what the devil wants me to believe is “self-preservation”…
or if I am going to be obedient to the Word of God and forgive… through the
strength of God. The feelings will not
go away overnight… it will be a process of healing and constantly turning it
over to God and asking Him to provide me with comfort… but He will not ask me
to do something that He does not give me the strength to do.
‘But what
if they haven’t asked for forgiveness?
What if they don’t think they did anything wrong?’ Well, sadly, their
unwillingness to repent will keep them from receiving God’s forgiveness and
from having a right relationship with Him. And it will limit their capacity to have a
fully restored relationship with you and others. But though that person’s hardness will affect
his well-being and his relationships until he faces and deals with his sin,
though it may keep him in bondage, no one can force you to be bound as a
prisoner in your own heart. That is a
choice you can and must make, regardless of where the other person is in their
journey.
This
has been my reality… and it resulted in them lashing out at me again… but now I
am at a place that I realize that I can only do what I can do. Even if they never choose to take
responsibility for their actions… if they never own up to what they did or
admit that it was wrong… I can still forgive and move on. Ultimately, it is about my relationship with
God and making sure that I am at peace with God and being obedient to Him. I cannot make any decisions for them… I
cannot convince them of their sins or wrongdoing… that isn’t even my job (nor
would I want it to be). I need to focus
on me and allow God to do the work in them.
As you
respond to the Lord in this matter, be sure not to stop short of actually
forgiving the offenders. I’ve heard
sincere, well-meaning people pray, ‘Lord, please help me to forgive this
person.’ I’ve heard others say, ‘I know I need to forgive him…” I don’t doubt their sincerity, but that’s not
enough. Say, ‘Lord, by Your grace and in
obedience to You, I choose to forgive—to clear the record, to press the delete
button, to release the offender, to let the offense go. I do forgive!’
Do
I think it is a sin to pray for God to help us to forgive someone? No! I do not. I don’t think it is a sin if we
are at a place that we are struggling with forgiveness… if the emotions are too
raw and we are struggling with taking that step of obedience… but we can’t stay
in that place forever. We need to allow
Him to get us to a place where we stop praying for Him to help us to pray and walk-in
obedience by choosing to forgive… still leaning on Him for strength and
support. It is the next step… but we
need to be willing to take it.
Anger in
the face of trauma is understandable.
But that doesn’t make it productive… and as she forgave, God did what He
does so well. Her anger cooled
down. The hurt began easing away. ‘I did
not pray, “God help me forgive.” To do so would have been to dodge my own
responsibility… The task was squarely mine, although once I chose to obey, God
certainly gave me the strength to do so.
I
believe that as we take the steps of obedience… clearing our conscience towards
God and forgiving others… that God will be at work in us… easing the emotions
that once controlled us. Whether that be
helping calm down our anger or heal our broken heart. He will give us the peace that passes all
understanding… for He is a God that can restore all things. God doesn’t require perfections, but He does
want us to walk in obedience… to take the first step.
We
identify the sin. We clear our
conscience toward the offender. We
choose—yes, Lord, we choose—to forgive.
Whatever you are going through, however great or small the wrong has
been done to you, the choice to forgive could mean your most precious days with
the Lord are right in front of you. So
choose it! Do it! Don’t wait to feel like it or figure out how
it will all work out. Ultimately,
forgiveness is not an emotion. It is an
act of your will—an act of faith. Don’t
harbor that bitterness for even one more day.
It
is time for me to make my list once again… to write down the names of those
that I am struggling to forgive… to write down how I responded and clear my
conscience of those responses… and to once again walk-in obedience and
forgive. I want to experience the
closeness I once had with God… the joy of walking in His presence daily (not
just on occasion). I need to make sure
that no root of bitterness is blocking my path to Christ. Lord, open my eyes to any areas where unforgiveness
is still present so I can walk in obedience and forgive.
Making it
Personal Questions: (Too personal to share specifics with everyone 😊 )
“Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you
do them” (John 13:17).
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