Into the Depths… and Up from the Grave!

I am writing this blog months later because it was much too raw and hard to write back in April.  Most people don’t realize how hard the month of April was for me… losing one of my Spiritual mentors from my foundational years to depression and suicide hit me hard.  It sent my own emotions on a whirlwind… I hid it well from most people… most of the time… but those who I spent the most time with knew that something was up.  While I didn’t talk about it much… I did have to apologize to many of my co-workers and ask for extra grace as I worked through my emotions. 

To be honest, I think what hit me the hardest was how powerful the grips of depression can be… to watch someone who loved Jesus passionately… someone who loved His Word and studied it with passion… sink into such depression and feel so hopeless… someone that was surrounded by such a support system… people that were lifting her up and supporting her family… and to see her lose the battle even with all of the support she had… and then to look at my husband… who is facing the same battle of depression… and to realize that he does not have the same level of support she did when she lost the battle… it definitely brought me to my knees to a new level.  It hit me to my core… and drove me to the one place that I can find unending support – the cross. 

I am so thankful for my family… to be honest they are my biggest support system.  I know they would be there for me no matter what.  I am thankful for at the last minute we were able to celebrate Easter together because I don’t know if I could have celebrated alone this year… it was just too hard.

The crew that hid the Easter eggs... 

Aliya missed the one above her head... 

Jonathan enjoying his stash.. 

One of my biggest supporters... 

I am thankful they all came over to celebrate my 40^th birthday with me… I waited to have a party until my parents would be in town and most of my siblings could come.  I am thankful for my husband… who even in the midst of all he is going through loves me deeply and looks for ways to serve me.  I am thankful for my parents who have given up so much throughout the years for us kids… Matthew and I got to spoil them and take them out to dinner for their belated retirement celebration at an Argentine restaurant in Seattle... we all had a great time and enjoyed the food.

Matthew and I during my family birthday party... 

Going out with my parents... 

Even going back and writing this post was hard… it was a hard month… one I don’t want to relive but I know that God walked me through it… He used it to strengthen me and draw me closer to Him… and for that I am thankful.  As James 1:2-4 states, the trials (that will come) are to produce steadfastness; making us perfect, complete, and lacking nothing… and because of that we can find joy even in the midst of the trials. 

Goodbye my “birthday buddy”… I will never forget you and the impact you had on my life.  Enjoy the freedom you now have in Christ… you no longer have to suffer.